Bullying is Epidemic!

From CBC News

Earlier this month, I read a news article which I found quite disturbing, although this story not entirely surprising considering the current climate we live in. On October 7, a 14-year-old student, while his mother was with him, was fatally stabbed outside a Hamilton, Ontario, Canada High School. According to CBC News, four  teens were arrested; a 16-year-old male and a female, an 18-year-old male and a 14-year-old male, all charged with first-degree murder. Sadly, this is not the first teen killed by bullies, and then there is the problem of bullied teens committing suicide.

Global News says the family of the teen victim alleges that bullying was a persistent problem in the boy’s life and that the school never addressed the concerns. Canada News says, all five of those investigated are current or former students of the Hamilton high school. The victim’s mother claims the school and board knew about her son’s bullying, but little was done to stop it. “For a month, we’ve been trying to get this dealt with,” she said in tears. Both the school board and Hamilton police have confirmed they were notified of bullying incidents. Investigators were initially hesitant to comment on whether or not bullying and the attack were directly connected.

The Global News article, Experts say zero-tolerance policies aimed at stopping bullying aren’t working, quotes Carol Todd, an educator with a Vancouver-area school board, and whose 15-year-old daughter took her own life in response to violent bullying, said:

“We talk about bullying and we talk about how we can combat it, how can we end it. Are we doing enough to talk about the aspects of compassion, empathy, kindness and respect? Are we teaching our young people how to be respectful to other people and what to do?”

Ms. Todd is right. I’ve worked in the school system for 35 years, and I have never seen a curriculum that focuses on the aspects of compassion, empathy, kindness and respect. I taught Religious Studies in the Catholic School system, but even in the Religious Studies curriculum there was very little focus on those aspects, at least at the high school level. As Todd says,  curriculum focuses on preparing students for university and not on teaching young people about healthy human interaction.

Todd went on to say a common approach involves anti-bullying advocates making a one-time appearance in schools and delivering a lecture to students. She says, “In the school system, when you bring in an anti-bullying advocate now, kids are turning off their ears,” she said. “They’re tired of the conversation. We have to figure out different ways.” That has been my experience. Students listen to a speaker, then forget about it. I have observed little change in their attitudes or behaviour after a talk.

Debra Pepler, a psychology professor who’s done extensive research on aggression in children says,

“Schools are measured on how well they teach literacy and numeracy and science but … social emotional development should be included and it should start in…kindergarten.”

from http://www.dailymail.co.uk

She said the “zero tolerance” approach popular among many school boards involving punitive strategies do nothing to address the root causes of bullying and wind up reinforcing the kinds of behaviour they’re meant to eliminate.

I have to agree with Ms. Pepler. Every school I have taught in has had a “zero tolerance” policy regarding bullying, yet bullying was a big problem in every school I worked in. These policies are great, but virtually impossible to enforce. In my experience, bullying occurs subtly, occurring in locations teachers are rarely in—such as washrooms—or carried out discretely as to not be noticed by teachers. “Zero tolerance” policy is great, but it doesn’t work!

What is the answer then? In my opinion, there needs to be more focus on teaching students about healthy human interactions. Psych Central’s article, Bullying: A Problem That Starts and Ends at Home, says

Research shows that a harsh or negative parenting style is more likely to produce children who are bullies and victims of bullying than an emotionally warm environment with clear rules and supervision. Negative parenting includes obvious offenses like abuse and neglect, but also subtler forms of negative role modeling such as name-calling, threatening, manipulating and persistent teasing. Children learn from the way they’re treated, as well as the way their parents treat each other and the way their parents talk about other people.

Home is where empathy is learned or not learned, and school is where the lessons learned at home get played out. If relationships at home are based on fear and intimidation, children are more likely to use the same tactics with their peers. School bullies and victims are significantly more likely to report being physically hurt by a family member or witnessing violence at home than children who had not been bullied. Kids who are involved in bullying are also more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol and are at higher risk for depression and suicide.

Bullying is a learned behaviour, mostly learned at home, and therefore bullying can be unlearned. The ideal solution is to educate parents on bullying, but that is easier said than done. If empathy is not learned at home, then we as educators have a duty to teach it. The reality is, bullies are hurting people who need to be taught that taking their hurt out on other people is unacceptable.

STOP A BULLY  is a registered national charity in Canada, and has an anti-bullying program. Their website shows a study done by the University of British Columbia, based on 490 students (half female, half male) in Grades 8-10 in a British Columbia city in 1999, that reveals
64% of kids had been bullied at school, and that 64% of students considered bullying a normal part of school life. What I found particularly disturbing is that 61-80% said bullies are often popular and enjoy high status among their peers. I have personally seen this to be true. Regarding the ‘on-line’ world, 1 in 5 Canadian Teens have witnessed online Bullying, so it is clearly a huge problem in our world, and teen bullies typically become adult bullies. There is no shortage of bullies in governments and in our work environments. It is time to do something to address the bullying problem our world has.

Dan Pearce,  American author and blogger, says “People who love themselves, don’t hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer.” How true that is!

The Paradox of Our Age

A commentary on what life is really about.

The other day a post on Facebook caught my attention. The post was titled, “Something to Ponder,” and it shared an essay that was said to be written by George Carlin. What caught my attention was its powerful message. For those of you that don’t know who George Carlin is, he was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Back in the 1970s, I had one of his records. He was a very funny man, and his routines usually criticized what was happening in society. Here is the essay.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

This is a message just as relevant today as when it was written. I wondered when it was written, so my research began. I discovered just how misleading things can be on social media, and the Internet in general. You always have to be careful and verify things. It turns out that this essay was not written by George Carlin.

In fact, this is some of what Mr. Carlin said about “The Paradox of Our Time.”

One of the more embarrassing items making the internet/e-mail rounds is a sappy load of shit called “The Paradox of Our Time.” The main problem I have with it is that as true as some of the expressed sentiments may be, who really gives a shit? Certainly not me.

the Dalai Lama

Who wrote it if George Carlin didn’t? Some have claimed it was written by Jeff Dickson in 1998, others say an unnamed Columbine High School student wrote it, and one website even listed the essay as anonymous. Many have claimed it was written by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, and you can even order online a Cotton Canvas Scroll from Amazon giving credit to the Dalai Lama. It turns out that the actual author is a Dr. Bob Moorehead, a former pastor of Seattle’s Overlake Christian Church. The essay appeared in ‘Words Aptly Spoken,’ Dr. Moorehead’s 1995 collection of prayers, homilies, and monologues used in his sermons and radio broadcasts.

Who wrote this essay is not really the point; it’s the message that is. Dr. Moorehead’s essay reminds me of another story called, the businessman and the fisherman story. If you haven’t heard it, here it is.

 

The message of “The Paradox of Our Age” is to ‘spend time with your family, talk with your friends, and maybe drink a little wine.’ In other words, relationship. As the Paradox of Our Age says, “We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.” How true that is! Really the essay is a commentary on life, and its message is: life is not really a life without love and relationships. But perhaps Leo Buscaglia, an American author and motivational speaker, said it best:

Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.

The Wall Street Journal article, Don’t Envy the Super-Rich, They Are Miserable, claims that:

According to an article in The Atlantic, “the respondents turn out to be a generally dissatisfied lot, whose money has contributed to deep anxieties involving love, work, and family. Indeed, they are frequently dissatisfied even with their sizable fortunes. Most of them still do not consider themselves financially secure; for that, they say, they would require on average one-quarter more wealth than they currently possess.”

You will find studies saying otherwise, so the verdict is out. I think having a bit more money would make me happier.  My dad always said, “I would never want to be rich, but I sure would like to live like a wealthy person.” In other words, he wanted to live a lifestyle of the rich, but never wanted all the troubles of being rich.

Forbes’ article, The Secret Of Happiness Revealed, says

“happiness comes from choosing to be happy with whatever you do, strengthening your closest relationships and taking care of yourself physically, financially and emotionally.” This was from a survey of Harvard’s class of 1980.  The article went on to say, “These revelations are in line with three earlier studies…”

The way I see it, life without love, no matter how much money you have, or how many material possessions you have, is an empty, meaningless one. Leonardo da Vinci, known for his Mona Lisa painting, said, “life without love, is no life at all.” I believe that to be true, and the reason there is so much unhappiness in North America is people are so focused on the ‘American Dream’ which claims success can be achieved by anyone—in the U.S. especially—by working hard and becoming successful.  Notice it says nothing about relationship. In Canada, the ‘American Dream’ really isn’t talked about.

Another Forbes’ article, Americans May be Rich, But They’re Not Happy, says the U.S. doesn’t even rank in the top 10 happiest countries, coming in 14th place out of the 155 nations polled in 2016. It seems to me the “American Dream” doesn’t bring that much happiness, or maybe only a small number of Americans achieve it. Norway was rated the happiest country. Canada at least came in 7th place.

So as the Forbes’ article says, and the message of the essay and story is, ‘relationships bring happiness.’

American comedian, Dov Davidoff, says, “Whoever said life without love isn’t worth living didn’t own an iPhone. These things are great.” Maybe that is the problem. Everyone today is so preoccupied with their smartphones, that they forget how to live life.