Grief support – Sommer Season all year

Most people that I know go into the new year with optimism, hoping that the commencement of a new year will bring a better year then the previous one. Perhaps they hope that there will be more cooperation between peoples and nations, that people are more tolerant and inclusive, and love for fellow human brothers and sisters becomes more prevalent. Or, as one New Year greeting says, “The approaching New Year brings hope to everyone for calmness, kindness and fulfillment of dreams.” I started 2020 with this hope and then I came across the Telegraph’s headline, PhD student took her own life after classmates mocked her for not being ‘posh enough’, and my hopes for 2020 were shattered.

The article reports that a 26-year-old attending the University of Kent’s School of Anthropology and Conservation in the city of Kent, England, was found deceased due to suicide. It seems this young student was vulnerable, as the third-year doctoral candidate struggled with anxiety, depression, and a low-self-esteem after allegedly being bullied because she was state-educated instead of privately schooled as her peers were. The post-graduate student also struggled with the “toxic” environment in the university laboratory, and according to her mother, was also struggling with her thesis.

What caused such a tragedy? The sad truth is the issue was the deceased anthropology student received a state education and the others received a private education. She ‘wasn’t posh enough’ her mother says. In other words, she wasn’t high-class or was considered inferior to her peers. Her mother reports that her daughter told her “about being mocked for her accent and because she’d never been sailing.”

My blood boils when I read a story like this. It brings me back to when I was in Grade 5 in the village I grew up in. In Grade Five, the farm boys bullied me because I lived in town where my dad ran a service station. The “farm boys” accused the town boys of being lazy, having no chores, and being weaklings.

The bottom line is a tragedy occurred for a ridiculous reason. This 26-year-old with the potential of changing the world for the better took her own life because her peers, who came from privilege, harassed her and saw her as inferior. I was bullied because my classmates from a farming background saw themselves as superior because they did farm chores. The bullying that happened to me and to the anthropology student is absurd.

The rock band, Simple Plan, has a song titled, “Welcome to My Life,” that I believe relays what the 26-year-old in this story was likely feeling. If you haven’t heard the song, here it is.

Here are some of the song’s lyrics:

Do you want to be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what its like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don’t know what its like
Welcome to my life

This song, in my view, captures what a victim of a bully feels. Do you want to be somebody else? Yes. Are you sick of everyone around? Clearly, as that is why victims attempt suicide. No you don’t know what its like when nothing feels alright. You don’t know what its like to be like me. No one knows what it feels like to be a bully’s victim, unless they’ve been one. Only victims relate to these lyrics. To be hurt. To feel lost… I felt like this in Grade 5. I felt hurt. I felt lost. I felt left out. I felt rejected and unaccepted. Why? Because I lived in town and not a farm. The post-graduate student from Kent, England felt this way too—I would bet on it—because she was state-educated and not privately schooled; because she did not come from privilege, and now she is dead because of it. Shameful!

There is a very simple solution to bullying. It is called the Golden Rule, which says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Or as the Author of “If Heaven had a Mailbox”, Jill Telford says, “Start each day asking, “How do I want others to feel?” Then act accordingly.” If every single person lived their life following this very simple rule, bullying would stop. Try it!

I have talked to several people lately who are disillusioned with our government leaders and who question whether our democracy is working. I must agree, as I’ve said in other posts, I believe our democracy is broken. When corrupted leaders are elected, and governments refuse to listen to the people they govern, something is wrong with our democracy. In 1863, Abraham Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address in which he said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.”

What did Lincoln mean? Well, that is open to interpretation, but for me, “of the people” means voters elect fellow citizens to represent their views in office. “By the People” are those same voters having a say in what their government does or does not do. This means governments listen to the people who elected them. “For the People” is government taking care of every single citizen by way of human rights, education, disaster aid and providing adequate health care. It also means maintaining infrastructure and protecting the environment for the betterment of the entire community. This is what a democracy should be. Governments listen to their citizens and make decisions based on what is best for all citizens, and not exclusively on their political ideology.

As I observe our world, I see so many leaders who make decisions to benefit themselves and their buddies without listening to the people who elected them and often at the determent of the people they represent. Watching this behaviour takes me back to my teaching days when I had to deal with school yard bullies. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a bully as someone who treats someone in a cruel, insulting, threatening, or aggressive fashion, or as someone who forces someone to do something by coercion. So many of our government leaders are acting like school bullies. Here are a few examples, and there are many.

This month, our provincial leaders, the government of the province of Alberta used closure—a process in parliamentary procedure aimed at bringing debate to a quick end—and passed Bill 22. Without consulting with the owners of the various pension funds—teachers, nurses, public employees—this new law enabled the government to take over control of the pension funds. This is no different than a school bully that takes another kid’s lunch money. Our premier (provincial leader) and his government dishonourably took control of money that was not theirs to take. Over 30 000 teacher emails were sent to government members asking them to stop, but the government ignored what the teachers wanted and forced the bill through the parliamentary process in record time. No bill has ever been passed in that short of time.

Bill 22 also enabled our Premier to fire the Elections Commissioner who is investigating his party for what is called the Kamikaze Scandal; a scandal involving fraud, bribery, and more. Once again, I see a government leader bullying. It is cruel and aggressive to fire someone unjustly. (see Global News:Bill 22)

Another premier, the premier of the province of Ontario, is accused of bullying as well. Teachers in Ontario are outraged at the unfair and unreasonable behaviour of their Premier and his government who are forcing professional educators to do something they object to. When force is used, then bullying is occurring. (see National Post)

The current leader of the free world—more accurately “bully of the free world”—uses Twitter and television to bully regularly. He has done this since becoming president. The Times headline; Trump accused of bullying witness in Ukraine impeachment hearing, reveals that the US president is “accused of witness intimidation in real time” regarding the impeachment House hearings. The Newsletter has an article titled, Donald Trump Is a Simple-Minded Bully. I could go on and on with examples of bully politicians, but I’m sure you get my point.

I hear of bullying in the workplace all the time. CBC’s has an article entitled, Canadians bullied at work, which reports that an assistant professor of management at the University of Windsor’s Odette School of Business, who has spent years researching bullies in the workplace, says 40% of Canadians have experienced one or more acts of workplace bullying at least once a week.

This all got me wondering; Why do people bully? So many of these bullies claim to be people of faith or devout Christians, yet they bully. What happened to following the Golden Rule? There is an adage, “Hurt people, hurt people.” The only explanation I can come up with is bullies are hurt people who take their hurt out on others. The article 15 Ways Hurting People Hurt People lists the various ways hurting people pain others. So, I really have to wonder, are these bully politicians hurting people. I believe they are.

Many times I’ve witnessed bullying on a school playground, in a school hallway, or in a school classroom. Most often those students who bullied were hurting. Some felt rejected; rejected by their friends, or even rejected by their parents. Some were grieving, dealing with a broken friendship or even the death of someone. Many were in a great deal of emotional pain because they were feeling lonely. Some felt like failures, perhaps told by a parent, teacher or friend that they were. Some were feeling guilty about something they did or said. There are many types of hurts.

This is one of the reasons I wrote my book, “A Shattered New Start,” a fictional book about bullying. I’ve seen so much bullying in my life, been the recipient of bullies on several occasions, and dealt with many in my career. Can bullies be reformed? For starters, healing their hurt can make a difference. It can be as simple as listening to a bully so they feel heard.